It’s a new day, but I still can’t get her words off my mind. I thought I could leave the past behind me. I thought I finally won - I finally ran away. But slowly - my past, the pain is creeping back into my life.
Yesterday, for the first time, I cried out loud to sleep. Before, I would cry silently so he would not notice. But for the first time yesterday, I cried out loud.
For the first time, I did not cry because of him. I cried because of them. I cried for my sister.
I don’t know what to do. I feel like shit right now. I feel drenched out of energy, and instead, filled with sadness and worry.
I ask God - why? Why can you not give us freedom from his wrath? Freedom from his words? WHY GOD MUST YOU KEEP US FROM LIVING IN SORROW?
Is this God’s plan all along? For me to gain freedom, and for my sister to be locked in hell? Is it God’s plan to make me feel hopeless and selfish while my sister is facing all these bullshit?
What is your plan God?
I’m beginning to question you again. I’m beginning to doubt you…again. Like a year and a half ago - I’m beginning to lose connection with you again. I don’t want to anymore. I need a sign, a light…SOMETHING to tell me you are here to make it better.
I’m afraid for my sister. Afraid for her life. I don’t want to pick up my phone and hear that she killed herself. I won’t be able to handle it. No, not anymore.
I was strong. But I seem to become weaker and weaker as I distance myself from the pain. My sister’s words resonate through my mind.
What hurts the most is - I. know. every emotion. every tear. every word she is feeling and meaning cause I’VE BEEN THERE. I’VE DONE THAT.
And I don’t want it to happen to her. But it is.
My leaving has cause her to become another me…and I don’t want that. So please, someone help her. Someone please fucking help her….