What have I done?

It’s a new day, but I still can’t get her words off my mind. I thought I could leave the past behind me. I thought I finally won - I finally ran away. But slowly - my past, the pain is creeping back into my life. 

Yesterday, for the first time, I cried out loud to sleep. Before, I would cry silently so he would not notice. But for the first time yesterday, I cried out loud.

For the first time, I did not cry because of him. I cried because of them. I cried for my sister. 

I don’t know what to do. I feel like shit right now. I feel drenched out of energy, and instead, filled with sadness and worry. 

I ask God - why? Why can you not give us freedom from his wrath? Freedom from his words? WHY GOD MUST YOU KEEP US FROM LIVING IN SORROW?

Is this God’s plan all along? For me to gain freedom, and for my sister to be locked in hell? Is it God’s plan to make me feel hopeless and selfish while my sister is facing all these bullshit?

What is your plan God?

I’m beginning to question you again. I’m beginning to doubt you…again. Like a year and a half ago - I’m beginning to lose connection with you again. I don’t want to anymore. I need a sign, a light…SOMETHING to tell me you are here to make it better. 

I’m afraid for my sister. Afraid for her life. I don’t want to pick up my phone and hear that she killed herself. I won’t be able to handle it. No, not anymore.

I was strong. But I seem to become weaker and weaker as I distance myself from the pain. My sister’s words resonate through my mind. 

What hurts the most is - I. know. every emotion. every tear. every word she is feeling and meaning cause I’VE BEEN THERE. I’VE DONE THAT. 

And I don’t want it to happen to her. But it is. 

My leaving has cause her to become another me…and I don’t want that. So please, someone help her. Someone please fucking help her….

I’m so fuckin selfish.

I’m balling right now and I’m not even there. I feel so fuckin selfish, so fuckin useless. I feel like I left them in hell while I make my way to a better life. 

FUCK!

I can’t read my sister’s post without even crying. I just can’t. I can’t even imagine what she is going through right now. I can’t even think. I left that life because I wanted happiness - freedom from the words and pain everyday. But was that even right? Was leaving my sister by herself in this war even right? I feel like such a failure right now, like a piece of shit of a sister.

I’m on the other side of the country smiling and being happy while my sister is taking all of it in and trying her best not to kill herself. I feel like I failed her. I feel like I dumped her due to my own selfish wants. Why did I do it? I should have just stayed in Vancouver and lived at home. Even if I was to live in hell, at least I had my sister. But now, my sister doesn’t have me anymore. She has no one but herself. I feel like I betrayed her, I betrayed our “family.”

I know what he can do. I have that image right now in my head. I feel like I need to graduate quicker, I need to get a job and make money and take my mom and her away from him once and for all. I’m trying my best but it’s not working. IT’S NOT FUCKING WORKING! These last 18 years have been hell for me and all those years I just complained of how I was living in it and I forgot that my sister, for the last 14 years have lived in it too. 

I’m such a bad sister.

I am a fucking selfish sister. Fuckin selfish.

This is what my family goes through. I feel selfish for leaving her.

waiting-hoping-wishing:

okay, stop it. you don’t have to go all crazy and just swear all over the place. you really have anger management issues, you know that? seriously, fuck. don’t you dare say bullshit and shit to her. i know what she’s doing is stupid, but seriously, you raging all over the place isn’t going to help. you fricking yelling all over the place isn’t going to do anything but make this family even more messed up. you didn’t have to fucking push everything to the floor making a mess. you shithead, you even broke my snowglobe, i can’t take this anymore. control your fucking mood and anger. i bet you at this moment she’s thinking to herself “why in the fucking world did i marry this man?” or “i want a divorce”, i actually seriously don’t care if you guys seperate. she deserves better, we do.

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